I can forgive and I will forget but I will never risk going that path again

over half of a year passed yet I slipped near the same stoplight
expecting that maybe something had changed
and maybe I can go there
just sometimes
once in a month or so
for a very short time

now I know that
they say you have to solve it all somehow
so you would feel at peace
usually by talking face to face
and it does not matter what is the outcome as long as they both listen till the end to each other
sometimes though that does not happen

sometimes you are left with nothing again
with mountains of anger to climb
to somehow find a way to hold yourself together
forget your dumbness which suggested you can try that path again
anger will go away with  time
I'm not that strong and never was
However I somehow inspired him, he says "Because of few people I am so strong, you are one of them"
And therefore I smile for a moment and then I wake up
What have I taught him, was I that dishonest?
To say "I love you" and "I respect you"
To a person that was used as a trash
because it's easy to get it back
what have I taught him?
How can you say to such person so easily
these words over the phone
again and again
never mention
that you might have been wrong
that you're sorry


go fuck it up with someone else
Cause I will never
never
damage myself the same way

There is nothing wrong with Monday

Every Monday in Facebook I see about a million posts like this one "Shortest horror story: Monday".
Actually because of such things I was doubtful whetver to use "Monday" in one of my songs since I felt I am doing something prohibited. In that song I used it as a new start for something and that is basically what Monday is to many people. It is one of the days of the week and that is normal. Also, it is the start of the working week, which means that most people go study or work after having some leisure time on the weekend. Which is also completely normal.
Today my holiday from studies ended and I went to learn something new. I couldn't say I wasn't lazy or that I didn't want to go because I wanted some sleep etc. However, that is only normal laziness as the one after a weekend and it is completely normal.
Post million statuses and make people associate Monday with the most horrible event of the year and every week - now that is nearly a crime.
Once I read that most people suffer from heart attack Monday morning, between 7 AM and 9AM. Which basically means they are so unhappy with whatever they are up to on Monday that they get so freakin nervous and sad they suffer a heart attack. To us, this is quite a spoiler: instead of making demotivations and saying your life sucks, you should actually start something you enjoy more. That is what Mondays are for. And if you think you are enjoying it, but just not on Mondays, you might end up as these people with heart attacks too.
That research itself is pointing out to us that we should carefully choose what do we wanna do in our lives. And starting that on Monday is a present, knowing that you will learn something new or that even you will be busy, you will still enjoy your day a lot.
And if your behaviour on Monday is way beyond just being lazy you should seriously overthink either your life changes or how you see the life.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with Mondays. Only with people.

Don't know who you are? Face your uniqueness every day

Ok, so basically lot of things have been going on about the meaning of life and what do you have to do with it and what kind of person are you supposed to be.
We usually get to know really well our destination - who do we wanna be and why, where do we wanna be in like ten or twenty years. It takes not that much to figure it out. You have your dreams so you evaluate them and you choose the one that suits you the best. But what is that you?

Let's imagine we have a destination: we need to fly to San Francisco. So we now know we need a plane ticket. If we don't have enough, we might as well start saving money. That is not a problem.
Issue is here: you can't get to San Francisco so easy if you don't know where you are. You can't simply start going South or West because you assume San Francisco is there. Well, okay, you can. But it might as well take years, decades or ages, and you might not reach your destination at all. Another business are sayings that it is okay not to reach your destination. And that is also true. But we also have very abstract destinations in our mindsets, which are possible to fulfill taking many routes (such as being happy for example). And in order for them to affect you the way you want you still have to know where you are this very moment.

When a question like "who am I" strikes a young person, it seems like an impossible to answer thing. This one question asks you so much more questions in so many ways. If you start to think about it then you usually search for some standard spiritual answers that are given in any religions or for some atheistic views. But beyond all that there also are other human factors. Firstly - biology. So who are you in biology? You are a human being. Okay, what else is unsolved? You can also find out your gender. But what after that?
I believe, it is mostly psychology questions that we need to answer. Not that difficult part with theories, but just the stuff we use everyday to communicate with other human beings.
Why
When
How

We usually start evaluating ourselves within our biggest flaws or achievements and try to decide whether we are heroes or just some bad guys. If you don't think you have some big achievements it gets even more uncertain: how do I judge myself? How do I figure out who I am?

Instead of searching for some pompastic things that happen in our life not so often, how about just stopping by on our ordinary day? How much our ordinary day can say about us?

Let's take Tuesday. Did you work on Tuesday? What kind of work do you do? Do you have to deal with clients? How do you do that? Do you like your job? Why did you choose such profession? How do you do your job? Do you take breaks often? Do you feel tired? Do you feel lazy? How do you look at your job? What is your job to you? How do you feel the last hour of your job?
What did you eat for lunch? Did you eat lunch alone? Where did you eat your lunch? Why did you choose to eat it there?
How do you commute from work? Do you always do it the same way? Why do you choose such type of transport? Why do you live in this location?
What is the first thing that you do coming back home? Why? Is it a habit or do you just feel like doing it?
Do you remember you've just locked your door lock?
How do you spend your time after work? How do you feel after your job? What kind of emotions do you feel? What kind of thoughts come to you? Are your thoughts still connected to job? Why or why not?

Even how do you look at a passenger in a bus can say a lot. Not even to other people, but to yourself, if you dare to ask these questions. It helps to eliminate small flaws of yours that you don't think are really you or belong to you. That you just kind of "bought" from other people without noticing. That really does not work with your point of view.

It is probably way easier to think about abstractions "what is the meaning of life?" "Is there destiny?" than to just switch mirror to yourself and ask you why do you do this but don't do that. Basically, it's all that counts.
If you give person a very small task and he performs it well you are willing to give him a bigger task. The way you behave in your very small world of ordinary days is the very own foundation of how you will behave if there will be a natural disaster or any other thing you will become hero in.
And if I know the person who does not know why does he get up in the morning, why does he work, why does he work there, why does he have friends or girlfriend like that (these are the questions I get in my head when I meet a person), then I would probably never trust him with a task where he needs to figure it out. Because he does not think. Our lives consist of our ordinary days. Yes, we have birthdays and Christmas. And even Thanksgiving.
 But the one who behaves on that day as if he fully believes what he does but acts opposite to it in his own every day's life is a person who can discuss about how to make revolution in North Korea. He will never think that his life needs a revolution.

And when you figure out where you are now, you can decide on so many things. If you are in the sea then probably taking a plane is not your best choice as well as riding a car. If you are on the ground, the ship does not imply any progress in travelling. You can go and try some sinking or experimenting, but even experimenting has hypothesis. You can't go in blindly.
But what if you are in San Francisco? Or if you will start asking yourself why do you even want to go there? If a person knows how to go to San Francisco but does not know where he is that means his point of view is not his own. He may have asked a passenger in a bus, how to go to San Francisco. But then, what does the passenger know about you?

Accepting your own very small uniqueness leads you to understanding what way of travelling brings you closest and how to enjoy the travel. I can try to become a mathematician the way everyone does it and it might lead to unsuccessful sad and miserable life of mine. And I might not even succeed but live having good time. Only if I know HOW I can do it taking MYSELF into consideration.

People who resemble people

If you met enough people, you probably now, that people resemble other people.
I am a terribly social person. If I see someone interesting in a bus, I usually start a chat. That is even how I got my beloved job which I am doing these days.

I like to meet people. I love to share inspiring stuff whether it's mine or not, it really does not matter.
I love to hear something new from that other person. To learn something today. Be a little bit closer to understanding others which is an essential skill in nowaday's world. And also, it pays my soul's bills. It is good to help each other.
So, in my life, I met almost as many people as I could. Most of my time was spent talking and listening, discussing, rethinking, sharing and getting, learning. And it all involves people.
When I would meet someone new and communicate with that person for some time, I would usually start to think "that person resembles me of someone". At first, I seriously thought it is not a really good thing. I mean, here you are with a person, talking right now, but thinking about other person. How is this fair? How could it ever be?
But then, after some time, I thought: maybe it is because I miss these people? So they are kinda missing in my head, and other people remind me of them? But also, that does not let to focuss on a current person, which is the only one like that in a world.
However, later on, after forgetting all of these theories, I was washing hands in a bathroom, looking at the mirror, and I remebered that people resemble people. Is it good? Is it not? Who benefits from that resemblance? Is it the one of whom you are reminded? Or the one whom you are talking with?
Probably both. But I have to say: maybe we are just not so different from each other. Usually we concentrate that there is no one else like me in this world. And we are right. But also your friend might have similar eyes, or tone of speech, and that's okay too. Probably, that is what reminds me that we are all together in this whatever I do. So that I would consider as many people as it is possible, when making decissions. So that I could really decide what is worth doing and what is not.
Because we are all in this together, and whatever I do, it will affect you.

In order to reach the stoplight

Now that I think of it, sometimes there is this stop light screaming just in front of us. We happen to be in such situations in our life, that say to us
 "Stop"
 "Don't do that"
 "Don't go there"

So sometimes we wait for a while. After that, we start to believe it is safe again. It is reliable again. Do you believe in second chances? I do. Turns out I also believe in third and fourth chance, and maybe fifth one... I think I could continue to aproximately 150 000 or something like that. I am not that person who turns away from the other person easily. Without giving him a chance.
The first thing, why am I that person? Because I truly believe that if you look at someone slightly better than he is, he actually gets that chance to become better. He knows someone is believing him. It is actually hard to live by yourself, without letting other people believe in you.
So here I am believing in people. And at some point you get hurt. That is natural. If you manage to forgive and live on the same (or slightly better), it is truly beautiful. Forgiving is an amazing thing for both people.
But at some point, sometimes, for the sake of these both people, you just need to stop. If after 50 times of forgiving and living on, and being forgiven, nothing changes, this just can't go on forever. It is impossible.

After such a long period of communicating with that person I feel somewhat emotionally raped. Here I was accepting, thinking, discussing, believing. Every time I woul be let down, I didn't mind only because that person had bigger problems.
Also, you know, these days "sorry" works really good, especially if it is said on phone, especially if your relationship was most of the time happening virtually, in the net, via mail, via cellphones. It gets to the point where we can reach each other anytime. It gets so easy we forget the cost and sometimes start using up that person.

Feeling emotionally raped is not a very favorite feeling of mine. Here you are standing with nothing left, because you accepted and you let that happen. Something is happening inside you, but you don't really understand. You feel sad or nihilistic, or something else, whatever. Where did that come from? Can you even conclude with one event? No, you can't. Where did it even start and then? Where is this crucial moment when you had to stop, but you didn't? Everything becomes unclear.

Where is such saying, that sometimes, in order to be soft for yourself (which is needed for all of your existence), you have to be rude for others.
Now I know it.

I think I know why I adore discussions. It is not only because I hear the other side. Not only because it makes myself question my beliefs. Not only because it makes myself a little more aware about these things, and also, feeling a challenge I tend to think in a more clever way.

The truth is that, I guess, I adore discussions and make them just because... That I truly believe, that, maybe, after thinking in a clever way on these "discussion ocasions" we might one day start doing the same in our everyday lives.

And I promise you will have hard time getting in touch with me. Not because I don't intend to speak to you ever again. Just because people don't see ocasions. Just because someone takes things for granted.
So, if you think it is so easy to say stuff and then apologize, or to say even more stuff - try it again. I challenge you. I don't mind. Feel free. Try me.

After all, it is not that I don't want to talk with you anymore.