I was supposed to be married by now and all I am is ill.
At some point I became aware that not only my shoe size is quite unique. I mean, my feet are huge and massive just enough for me to take ages to find the right shoes and I can cry all over the shoes I will never get to wear due to it. It is just so freakin' impossible to put someone in my shoes.
It's hard to notice when you become manic. You can notice it in the middle of everything, if you know this weird thing happens to you at all.
You are just living the dream. It's your time. You feel like you are in control of everything. See, that's the thing. Your mania is in control of you and it replaces your conscious mind imprinting into your brain the belief that you are in control. Honestly, at that time everything is about you, even if you don't notice it. Everything else disappears from the picture, everyone else does. Things that matter to you most of the time do not matter. Things that you would be against at all times when sane, suddenly feel like amazing ideas to try.
After each of the episodes you sit down broken somewhere inside, after fucking up something new in yourself, in your surroundings. It can be your views but it can also be your relationships. And I was supposed to be married by now.
Only this week had I realised some of the mess around me this summer, causing the most painful break up ever, was partly manic. At that time I had no way at all to know it was manic. I swear I believed the first time I became manic was at the very end of the summer, all that partying, staying up late, searching for one night stands which I thought I would never do and which I dislike. I could solemnly swear.
But I opened a random page of my calendar this week and it triggered something inside, making me rethink my year.
April 3. Got engaged.
