So, while I didn't blog, I managed to visit Paris, find some students in online teaching business, enjoy most of the summer, have few very small breakdowns that encouraged me to identify and face my thoughts that makes me suffer.
It is not ideal now, but I am heading somewhere. Somewhere gooood.

A qoute

There is this one qoute that I read years ago and I still remember it:
"What is really good for you, that will be also good for others". It means it shouldn't do any harm to other people.
There are times when what someone else thinks it is good for you, it might not actually be good for you. But what is really good for you, will never harm others. That is what I believe.

Meet Amanda

So, here is this song. It is called "In my mind" and is performed by Amanda Palmer.
I've been interested in Amanda and what she thinks about life for quite a long time now, at least a year, reading blogs, listening to some songs, watching videos.

What I found the most amazing were these things:

First video I saw Amanda in, and despite the quality of the video and the noise, for me it is the most perfect video of this song. This is the video in which I can not only see the performers but their amazing personalities also. I love all the sides of this video and all the emotions that happened in this performance.

Then there is this short video, explaining, why in the hell she has crutches with her. Quite the video that describes her sense of humour, which is, by the way, amazing. Also, she seems very honest and warm-hearted.

And then there is her talk in TED talks, which is, I also believe, amazing, and she does make a very clear point there, that what some of the people call charity might be the only honest way to live for you as a performer, because the art is what should be free, and the money is also to the artists, so that they could eat while creating.

And then, just half a week ago I found this song. Which settles the conflict that every one of us had at least once: it is the conflict between who we are and who we want to be.

Here is the song:

And here are the lyrics:
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/amandapalmer/inmymind.html

Why did I even posted all of it? For you to meet Amanda. But most likely, to share my idea of  the song. There is no doubt she makes the sentence "I dont want to be the person that I want to be" extremely logical.
I just want to express how do I see this song.

People change. It is natural. What you believed in, when you were a child, might not be what you believe in right now. It is okay.
However, there are some cases in which people do not "grow up" not to do that anymore, for example, not to leave unwashed dishes for two days. And that is also okay.
I can hear from people I am tragically naive. They say this will change. It is okay, if they care for me, and if they believe that, but after hearing this song for a while and thinking about things, I also discovered, that might not change. It is mostly what I believe in. So maybe, after all, people do not change that much, even though sometimes their image changes, as well as their behaviour. Which might not be actual people, by the way.

However, for me, that song is not the brakes for improving in my life. It just says, that sometimes we concentrate to improve in the wrong directions. What you really want to be, and what you believe in, you will definitely get. But we have so many images and traits to choose from and we want to take them all, and to become the person that my neighbour wants to become. And this is the wrong direction. Sorry, you dont have that much life.

So how about behaving simply how you feel - what you believe in. And then the traits of it will definitely become stronger in you. And you will be what you actually NEED, not want, to become. This is you.

Why am I in love with Photography?

I am in love with it, because:

It is my way of creating. With one camera or another, amateur camera or a proffesional one. For me it is not just "stopping the time" and making it memorable. I think I don't even believe a thing like that actually exists.
For me Photography is the way to create something new, being very lucky so you sometimes just have to use     the circumstances that are already there, such as composition or lightning. It is the way of changing and manipulating things, in order to show it to someone, how you see or wanna see it, and to make that person, who is looking at the picture, not a mere spectator, to make him go inside the picture and get that feeling. To make him stop thinking about what he wants to eat for a dinner or why that dress is so expensive. To stop - but not the time itself and not in the picture. To stop a person, and make him transform: from a spectator to a soul inside the picture, not outside of it.

Every time I press the shutter button, I try to photograph a feeling.
And then to share it.
It is not mine and it does not belong to me. Maybe the photo does. But not the feeling.
Would be so shameful to just have it for myself. To look all the time without the camera.
Would be so shameful, when I can share it with others.