Don't know who you are? Face your uniqueness every day

Ok, so basically lot of things have been going on about the meaning of life and what do you have to do with it and what kind of person are you supposed to be.
We usually get to know really well our destination - who do we wanna be and why, where do we wanna be in like ten or twenty years. It takes not that much to figure it out. You have your dreams so you evaluate them and you choose the one that suits you the best. But what is that you?

Let's imagine we have a destination: we need to fly to San Francisco. So we now know we need a plane ticket. If we don't have enough, we might as well start saving money. That is not a problem.
Issue is here: you can't get to San Francisco so easy if you don't know where you are. You can't simply start going South or West because you assume San Francisco is there. Well, okay, you can. But it might as well take years, decades or ages, and you might not reach your destination at all. Another business are sayings that it is okay not to reach your destination. And that is also true. But we also have very abstract destinations in our mindsets, which are possible to fulfill taking many routes (such as being happy for example). And in order for them to affect you the way you want you still have to know where you are this very moment.

When a question like "who am I" strikes a young person, it seems like an impossible to answer thing. This one question asks you so much more questions in so many ways. If you start to think about it then you usually search for some standard spiritual answers that are given in any religions or for some atheistic views. But beyond all that there also are other human factors. Firstly - biology. So who are you in biology? You are a human being. Okay, what else is unsolved? You can also find out your gender. But what after that?
I believe, it is mostly psychology questions that we need to answer. Not that difficult part with theories, but just the stuff we use everyday to communicate with other human beings.
Why
When
How

We usually start evaluating ourselves within our biggest flaws or achievements and try to decide whether we are heroes or just some bad guys. If you don't think you have some big achievements it gets even more uncertain: how do I judge myself? How do I figure out who I am?

Instead of searching for some pompastic things that happen in our life not so often, how about just stopping by on our ordinary day? How much our ordinary day can say about us?

Let's take Tuesday. Did you work on Tuesday? What kind of work do you do? Do you have to deal with clients? How do you do that? Do you like your job? Why did you choose such profession? How do you do your job? Do you take breaks often? Do you feel tired? Do you feel lazy? How do you look at your job? What is your job to you? How do you feel the last hour of your job?
What did you eat for lunch? Did you eat lunch alone? Where did you eat your lunch? Why did you choose to eat it there?
How do you commute from work? Do you always do it the same way? Why do you choose such type of transport? Why do you live in this location?
What is the first thing that you do coming back home? Why? Is it a habit or do you just feel like doing it?
Do you remember you've just locked your door lock?
How do you spend your time after work? How do you feel after your job? What kind of emotions do you feel? What kind of thoughts come to you? Are your thoughts still connected to job? Why or why not?

Even how do you look at a passenger in a bus can say a lot. Not even to other people, but to yourself, if you dare to ask these questions. It helps to eliminate small flaws of yours that you don't think are really you or belong to you. That you just kind of "bought" from other people without noticing. That really does not work with your point of view.

It is probably way easier to think about abstractions "what is the meaning of life?" "Is there destiny?" than to just switch mirror to yourself and ask you why do you do this but don't do that. Basically, it's all that counts.
If you give person a very small task and he performs it well you are willing to give him a bigger task. The way you behave in your very small world of ordinary days is the very own foundation of how you will behave if there will be a natural disaster or any other thing you will become hero in.
And if I know the person who does not know why does he get up in the morning, why does he work, why does he work there, why does he have friends or girlfriend like that (these are the questions I get in my head when I meet a person), then I would probably never trust him with a task where he needs to figure it out. Because he does not think. Our lives consist of our ordinary days. Yes, we have birthdays and Christmas. And even Thanksgiving.
 But the one who behaves on that day as if he fully believes what he does but acts opposite to it in his own every day's life is a person who can discuss about how to make revolution in North Korea. He will never think that his life needs a revolution.

And when you figure out where you are now, you can decide on so many things. If you are in the sea then probably taking a plane is not your best choice as well as riding a car. If you are on the ground, the ship does not imply any progress in travelling. You can go and try some sinking or experimenting, but even experimenting has hypothesis. You can't go in blindly.
But what if you are in San Francisco? Or if you will start asking yourself why do you even want to go there? If a person knows how to go to San Francisco but does not know where he is that means his point of view is not his own. He may have asked a passenger in a bus, how to go to San Francisco. But then, what does the passenger know about you?

Accepting your own very small uniqueness leads you to understanding what way of travelling brings you closest and how to enjoy the travel. I can try to become a mathematician the way everyone does it and it might lead to unsuccessful sad and miserable life of mine. And I might not even succeed but live having good time. Only if I know HOW I can do it taking MYSELF into consideration.

People who resemble people

If you met enough people, you probably now, that people resemble other people.
I am a terribly social person. If I see someone interesting in a bus, I usually start a chat. That is even how I got my beloved job which I am doing these days.

I like to meet people. I love to share inspiring stuff whether it's mine or not, it really does not matter.
I love to hear something new from that other person. To learn something today. Be a little bit closer to understanding others which is an essential skill in nowaday's world. And also, it pays my soul's bills. It is good to help each other.
So, in my life, I met almost as many people as I could. Most of my time was spent talking and listening, discussing, rethinking, sharing and getting, learning. And it all involves people.
When I would meet someone new and communicate with that person for some time, I would usually start to think "that person resembles me of someone". At first, I seriously thought it is not a really good thing. I mean, here you are with a person, talking right now, but thinking about other person. How is this fair? How could it ever be?
But then, after some time, I thought: maybe it is because I miss these people? So they are kinda missing in my head, and other people remind me of them? But also, that does not let to focuss on a current person, which is the only one like that in a world.
However, later on, after forgetting all of these theories, I was washing hands in a bathroom, looking at the mirror, and I remebered that people resemble people. Is it good? Is it not? Who benefits from that resemblance? Is it the one of whom you are reminded? Or the one whom you are talking with?
Probably both. But I have to say: maybe we are just not so different from each other. Usually we concentrate that there is no one else like me in this world. And we are right. But also your friend might have similar eyes, or tone of speech, and that's okay too. Probably, that is what reminds me that we are all together in this whatever I do. So that I would consider as many people as it is possible, when making decissions. So that I could really decide what is worth doing and what is not.
Because we are all in this together, and whatever I do, it will affect you.

In order to reach the stoplight

Now that I think of it, sometimes there is this stop light screaming just in front of us. We happen to be in such situations in our life, that say to us
 "Stop"
 "Don't do that"
 "Don't go there"

So sometimes we wait for a while. After that, we start to believe it is safe again. It is reliable again. Do you believe in second chances? I do. Turns out I also believe in third and fourth chance, and maybe fifth one... I think I could continue to aproximately 150 000 or something like that. I am not that person who turns away from the other person easily. Without giving him a chance.
The first thing, why am I that person? Because I truly believe that if you look at someone slightly better than he is, he actually gets that chance to become better. He knows someone is believing him. It is actually hard to live by yourself, without letting other people believe in you.
So here I am believing in people. And at some point you get hurt. That is natural. If you manage to forgive and live on the same (or slightly better), it is truly beautiful. Forgiving is an amazing thing for both people.
But at some point, sometimes, for the sake of these both people, you just need to stop. If after 50 times of forgiving and living on, and being forgiven, nothing changes, this just can't go on forever. It is impossible.

After such a long period of communicating with that person I feel somewhat emotionally raped. Here I was accepting, thinking, discussing, believing. Every time I woul be let down, I didn't mind only because that person had bigger problems.
Also, you know, these days "sorry" works really good, especially if it is said on phone, especially if your relationship was most of the time happening virtually, in the net, via mail, via cellphones. It gets to the point where we can reach each other anytime. It gets so easy we forget the cost and sometimes start using up that person.

Feeling emotionally raped is not a very favorite feeling of mine. Here you are standing with nothing left, because you accepted and you let that happen. Something is happening inside you, but you don't really understand. You feel sad or nihilistic, or something else, whatever. Where did that come from? Can you even conclude with one event? No, you can't. Where did it even start and then? Where is this crucial moment when you had to stop, but you didn't? Everything becomes unclear.

Where is such saying, that sometimes, in order to be soft for yourself (which is needed for all of your existence), you have to be rude for others.
Now I know it.

I think I know why I adore discussions. It is not only because I hear the other side. Not only because it makes myself question my beliefs. Not only because it makes myself a little more aware about these things, and also, feeling a challenge I tend to think in a more clever way.

The truth is that, I guess, I adore discussions and make them just because... That I truly believe, that, maybe, after thinking in a clever way on these "discussion ocasions" we might one day start doing the same in our everyday lives.

And I promise you will have hard time getting in touch with me. Not because I don't intend to speak to you ever again. Just because people don't see ocasions. Just because someone takes things for granted.
So, if you think it is so easy to say stuff and then apologize, or to say even more stuff - try it again. I challenge you. I don't mind. Feel free. Try me.

After all, it is not that I don't want to talk with you anymore.

Face Global Locally

I notice that these days I am kinda into an activism for equal rights, against animal cruelty, etc.

And what just came into my mind is this:
Today I made a video, exploring animal cruelty case in my hometown, and the video is in Lithuanian. Why? It just now came to me: it is not because I want my grandmother to understand it. It is because most of the Lithuanians can speak and understand Lithuanian, and I am talking about example in Lithuania, and some name just came to my head:

"FACE GLOBAL LOCALLY"

Why? Because that is where it all starts. If you are not travelling at the moment, and have no intention to travel, so your activism is here, in this country, and because of this exact case you are doing this or that. So at first global issue has to be taken care of locally. What can you do in your area? What example can you show?

And if all of the globalists would take some matters as local matters, and instead sharing their ideas for the rest of the world they would pick some local actions, there would be no reason to actually go globally. Everything would be taken care of.

Sadly, sometimes global ideas are not heard by the world. But local ideas can be seen. Examples of you.

Questions

Haven't written in ages, now, have I?
Been busy trying to figure out my opinion about homosexuals (we had a parade in Lithuania last month), trying to keep a balance between family, art and job.

There is less than a month until I start studying Photography, and that means completely new experiences and even more things to figure out.

Last time I did a photoshoot, afterwards, I asked myself: "What kind of image am I promoting?".
One of the most important things to ask myself, since I am in a hate-hate relationship with most of the fashion and advertisment photo's that are nothing but a fake image, which is impossible to get.

What is Photography to me? What message do I want to bring? Why do I want to make a photo of this, but not of that?

Why am I sometimes afraid to take a photo in street?

Questions, questions, questions...

So, while I didn't blog, I managed to visit Paris, find some students in online teaching business, enjoy most of the summer, have few very small breakdowns that encouraged me to identify and face my thoughts that makes me suffer.
It is not ideal now, but I am heading somewhere. Somewhere gooood.

A qoute

There is this one qoute that I read years ago and I still remember it:
"What is really good for you, that will be also good for others". It means it shouldn't do any harm to other people.
There are times when what someone else thinks it is good for you, it might not actually be good for you. But what is really good for you, will never harm others. That is what I believe.

Meet Amanda

So, here is this song. It is called "In my mind" and is performed by Amanda Palmer.
I've been interested in Amanda and what she thinks about life for quite a long time now, at least a year, reading blogs, listening to some songs, watching videos.

What I found the most amazing were these things:

First video I saw Amanda in, and despite the quality of the video and the noise, for me it is the most perfect video of this song. This is the video in which I can not only see the performers but their amazing personalities also. I love all the sides of this video and all the emotions that happened in this performance.

Then there is this short video, explaining, why in the hell she has crutches with her. Quite the video that describes her sense of humour, which is, by the way, amazing. Also, she seems very honest and warm-hearted.

And then there is her talk in TED talks, which is, I also believe, amazing, and she does make a very clear point there, that what some of the people call charity might be the only honest way to live for you as a performer, because the art is what should be free, and the money is also to the artists, so that they could eat while creating.

And then, just half a week ago I found this song. Which settles the conflict that every one of us had at least once: it is the conflict between who we are and who we want to be.

Here is the song:

And here are the lyrics:
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/amandapalmer/inmymind.html

Why did I even posted all of it? For you to meet Amanda. But most likely, to share my idea of  the song. There is no doubt she makes the sentence "I dont want to be the person that I want to be" extremely logical.
I just want to express how do I see this song.

People change. It is natural. What you believed in, when you were a child, might not be what you believe in right now. It is okay.
However, there are some cases in which people do not "grow up" not to do that anymore, for example, not to leave unwashed dishes for two days. And that is also okay.
I can hear from people I am tragically naive. They say this will change. It is okay, if they care for me, and if they believe that, but after hearing this song for a while and thinking about things, I also discovered, that might not change. It is mostly what I believe in. So maybe, after all, people do not change that much, even though sometimes their image changes, as well as their behaviour. Which might not be actual people, by the way.

However, for me, that song is not the brakes for improving in my life. It just says, that sometimes we concentrate to improve in the wrong directions. What you really want to be, and what you believe in, you will definitely get. But we have so many images and traits to choose from and we want to take them all, and to become the person that my neighbour wants to become. And this is the wrong direction. Sorry, you dont have that much life.

So how about behaving simply how you feel - what you believe in. And then the traits of it will definitely become stronger in you. And you will be what you actually NEED, not want, to become. This is you.

Why am I in love with Photography?

I am in love with it, because:

It is my way of creating. With one camera or another, amateur camera or a proffesional one. For me it is not just "stopping the time" and making it memorable. I think I don't even believe a thing like that actually exists.
For me Photography is the way to create something new, being very lucky so you sometimes just have to use     the circumstances that are already there, such as composition or lightning. It is the way of changing and manipulating things, in order to show it to someone, how you see or wanna see it, and to make that person, who is looking at the picture, not a mere spectator, to make him go inside the picture and get that feeling. To make him stop thinking about what he wants to eat for a dinner or why that dress is so expensive. To stop - but not the time itself and not in the picture. To stop a person, and make him transform: from a spectator to a soul inside the picture, not outside of it.

Every time I press the shutter button, I try to photograph a feeling.
And then to share it.
It is not mine and it does not belong to me. Maybe the photo does. But not the feeling.
Would be so shameful to just have it for myself. To look all the time without the camera.
Would be so shameful, when I can share it with others.

Awareness can't mess things around. Only the people, who are not aware, can.

If someone were to ask me

And if someone now, looking at my wrists, would ask me "Why did you do it?", even though I can't go back in time and ask that person I was at the moment this question, the closest sentence to that answer would be "To become the person I am right now."

About how the world didn't change

There is one thing I should have done ages ago. I sometimes regret, that I didn't. I am sometimes scared, that someone will actually read it. But it needs to be read. If only one person in the world will read it. If only one person in the world will be touched by it.

I am scared my relatives might read it. I am afraid, that people, who have no opinion of me, now will have this one. I'm terrified, cause that is not all who I am. 

But it has a huge impact on why I am here and now. Why do I have this character. Why do I choose these things. What I love and what I don't. So here it is. A very fragile moment of my life.

There was such a time in my life, that I can not fully call "living". At that time, everything was blank and black too. Nothing had a meaning. At least nothing, that was connected with living. At that time, I felt like nobody treasured me. I felt like nobody believed in me. I felt so freakin' useless. I felt as if it didn't matter if I just disappeared. As well, as I hurt my body, I was also hurting my soul. Day by day I was living by hurting myself in various ways. By overdrinking, by cutting my wrists, by blaming myself for everything, that happened in my life, every chance I didn't use, every failure in all kinds of relationships.

Coming back to that time I thought it is so not fair that nobody cared for me, or, if they did, they didn't show it. But now as I look back, I seem so selfish. Being useless is not the right word to describe it. Being selfish is.

Being useless - being not able to help in any way.

Being unable to understand, what happens around me, blame everything at myself and at others at the same time, not watch carefully and not try to understand what everyone else feel - it is being selfish. This is the only right word to describe it.

It seemed to me, that my mom didn't care what I was doing and whom with. What was I thinking about. What was inside me.

At that time I started to dress completely in black and act maybe a little bit improperly.

I kind of got an understanding, what is it like to belong to a subculture. First was the one we call heavy metal subculture, or something to that side. Lots of heavy music and drinking, and friends with "the same mind". At first it really was fun and I didn't notice something had changed in me. Then I came closer to the gothic subculture. Pretty dresses, gloominess bla bla bla etc.

It didn't matter much to me either.

The fun actually started when I met people, who I could describe as "people, who love Lithuania". This is where it quite worsened and in some conflict I ended up on a roof with few girls with their knifes in their hands. Now that I think of it, it was quite entertaining. These were not the people, that cared about Lithuania, but rather people, that cared about intolerance. Not in the way to reduce the intolerance, but the opposite of it.

So loving Lithuania was quite not enough to belong to that group.

I'm still not sure, how I ended up even not being beaten once, but I was quite close to it few times. If I remember it well, I had someone on my side, that had just enough influence to stop all of it and leave me safe. Well, kind of safe, let's just say that I didn't try my luck in that sphere anymore.

At that time last of my "friends" stopped talking to me and I couldn't blame them - I really was a walking-and-talking nonsense. I demonstrated my ego-centrism any way I could without even thinking it might have been selfish. I really strived for attention. However, since I've been there and done that, I can now say, that there is no clear border between just selfishly asking for attention and really needing anyone's attention while you are still alive. Been there. Done that. One day I found myself making a plan to end all of that shit.

Fortunately, the way to die wasn't the only way to end all of that shit, and at that time I met few people, who, in one way or another, been there and done that. First few friends from the other city, that I met on the internet. They might be not the ones who did all the job from the start till the end, but they definitely were the ones, who started it, and who saw I had problems, and I had lots of them. Only while crossing the street, everytime I had to overcome about five ideas about me dying in that street.

I was being addicted to being hurt. I was quite addicted to every possible pain. I was sure I coudnt stand a day without feeling it.

And that is how my days went by.

At that time, recovered only a little, I met a girl. She was quite depressed at that time, but I was not able to see that. However, she started taking care of me. Being only a year older and so much more feminine and beautiful, and thoughtful, she was a person I started to look up to. I wanted to become something as charming as she was. As regardful as she was. As beautiful as she was. And even though her looks was not the only thing that made her beautiful, I was seeking all of it. She shown me, that it gets better. She gave me lots of, without asking anything back. And in the process of my recovering, I hurt her countless times. By speaking bad about me or others, or even about her. By being inconsiderate.

And she was here. Still here. Still. She was with me.

Then, I got better. And she finally broke down, as a person, having million times bigger problems, her mother, hurting her physically and psychologically, her mother having cancer, all the stuff like that, that you can usually find in these cool holywood dramas. Well, the truth is that these dramas aren't based on nothing. It really happens. And it really happens, that such an amazingly fragile person, doing everything she can to help others, does not have anyone to rely on.

And that is where I came in. I do not know, if it is my merit, that at the moment she is somewhere in Kaunas and she is alive.

While we were friends (although, I believe, it was quite more than that), I first learned, that by helping others "thank you" is not what counts the most. There are more meaningful things. Such as helping someone.

I then first learned how to sacrifice myself everyday. How to listen to someone who had been saying painful things day by day. I then first learned, that these amazing people sometimes don't have anyone to rely on. And it hurt the most. How is it even possible?

I learned to say I'm sorry and it is my fault and all the other stuff like that, just to make one feel better. I learned to say what I didn't mean just to let someone stay alive. I trampled on my pride and my ego, my feelings and my heart, it so ached, at the same time, it felt so good to help someone.

Many days and months and maybe even years passed. Things finally started to get better for her. I think, it was her senior year, when we finally broke up. When we maybe didn't have anything else to say to each other.

We created amazing things together. By the means of sms or skype chat or email, we created the stuff, the best stuff I could ever read of. Nope, there is none of it left. It was for us. It was to make us feel better. I was texting during my Lithuanian lessons, and I remember that quite well. I was waiting for my Lithuanian lessons (since I am keen on languages and it is not difficult for me to multi-task in those lessons).

We also came to the point there I knew how she feels without asking her. Without seeing her. During these years we met definitely not more that five times. Meeting was not the most important thing. /

We were somewhat so close we felt everything what was going with us, mostly without asking. When something happens, when she feels bad or good... By only imagining me being with her in her room I managed to match up the colour of her sofa she never told me about. So close we were.

That is why it was tragically painful to let her go, when the time actually came. For about half the year I was feeling terrible if I was actually smiling. I couldn't sleep much. I couldn't enjoy life much. Cause I was not letting myself to do so. I just felt too guilty to enjoy something when she was gone.

But when the time went by, I learned to appreciate. To appreciate that fact, that me, myself, being here and now was the proof of her. That I couldn't have done that without her. I started to almost worship her. She was an angel to me, and now every person, who shows up at a difficult time for me, is some kind of angel.

And only after lots of time passed, I finally understood, that not only I couldn't make it without her. I couldn't make it without myself being involved.

Now I look at it as having sunglasses on.

If you don't want to, noone will ever be able to take these sunglasses from your face. Noone can heal you without you being involved. You need to really start wanting. And then it gets better. It gets better with lots of slips, with painful words and actions, with memories you want to erase. But it gets better.

From the point I was about to kill myself about seven years had passed. I am living a happy life. I have someone, who I can unofficially call a husband. I play and write some music, I love meeting new people. But the most important thing is I now know, how important it is to take care of something or someone. It is definitely a way to heal. Paying attention to little things that you see everyday and enjoying them - it is definitely a detail of every happily living person. Now there are better things to think of than thinking that nobody cares. That my mom does not know, what is happening in my life from time to time. Now I also see, how many problems they had. I was not the only one having problems. Just the only one having it so difficult to express my feelings, that these problems started to gamble with my own life.

Although I never got a chance from my relatives to hear "I'm glad that you are okay", since my sister and mom discovered a little part of my depression on my hands quite after it ended. My sister (we were going to the same school) once grabbed my hand, took me to her classmates and showed them "look, my sister is hurting herself". I have from little to none idea how can it be joked about. It didn't help much.

My sister told my mother what she saw on my hands. And we never ever talked about it. And my father and his mother, most possibly, does not know anything about it.

So that is why I am scared. I am scared that they might feel guilty. I'm scared that they might feel responsible.    Well, they shouldn't. Even if they should, now it is gone. Nothing to be guilty for right now.

Because of what I experienced, I am now here. I am standing. I am helping. I am being helped. I am expressing things. I am communicating.

So this blog entry - it is not about who I am. It is about how I came to this point. Why am I in this world. Why am I smiling. Why is everything so good for me now. Now a tight salary or small flat is not enough for me to feel sad. Not being able to wear a beautiful dress is also not enough for me to feel bad about it.

I now know, that there are more important things in life. And I learnt it by making mistakes. Lots of mistakes. Almost any possible mistake at the age I was at that time. Being hurt. Hurting others. Being impolite, being careless. I made all the kinds of mistakes. And that is why I am here now.

My world now differs so much from the one I was living in, when I was thirteen. It didn't change, yet became so peaceful, beautiful and warm. There are still lots of people, that I sometimes meet, whom I recognize from these times. Some of them also didn't change much. My mom and my sister didn't change much. But suddenly, or no, maybe even year by year, everything changed so much. Not because it actually changed. The world remains, it is still the same.

It is me who changed.

It gets better. It gets perfect. Have the courage to strive for it.

A new strategy

At least for a half of my life I had an idea I was supposed to be born in Japan.
Seriously, for some time I just thought I should stop doing such kind of thinking.

And that is how about ten years had passed.

Judging from the people I met, Japanese are very open-minded. I just have to in admit that I only met Japanese that were travelling or doing business abroad, so that is quite not the same as to meet them in Japan. Judging from the enourmous amount of anime and J-dramas I was able to overcome, I can also say that Japanese are very conservative.

Being conservative is not a bad neither a good quality. It so much depends on the situation. Since the suicide rates in Japan and in Lithuania, too, are quite high, and Lithuanians do have some national trait not to talk about their feelings, it might as well have a relation with the suicide rate.

However, today I just found out, that I'm seriously quite Japanese. I have at least the part of my mentalitet, which acts and reacts so Japanese - type.
I'm so sick of this European show-your-body-get-a-man type (I bet this also figures in Japan nowadays, but I just didn't encounter it much in the sources I was watching and reading). So sick of doing who knows who on the first dates. Of counting your former boyfriends until you can't remember the number anymore.
As the one who also had quite enough boyfriends, even though this was not serious and we also didn't do much, now I would change it. It is so cool to feel your first loves at the age that you can actually experience them with your right manners.
What in Europe you usually get during your first date with a man? Usually it is at least a kiss. Why is it so low? Why is it in a situation you can even call it at least?
Geez, I am so sick of it.

You will probably judge me, and it's okay. You might as well say that there are more to it than Lithuanians and Japanese. That people differ. And you are probably right. I, myself, am not the type to count people like that. But it is only one way to look at it. Finally, you need to compare, that you would be able to judge and find your own virtues. And that is what I am doing.

Only for the first time in these ten years I got an idea that I might usually act as a Japanese person, before I start to supress it with my "Lithuanian-type-traits".
That maybe I am not the same person I was ten years ago. That from the first time I saw anime everything in me changed so deeply and I found the place where I fit in. Not because it is the dream of an Lithuanian princess. Just because I found a place to belong to.
That does not mean I am going to move to Japan. That means that I now can pursue my wished traits in my own way. Japanese girls have quite enough respect and elegance, they are usually a little shy (the way I see it). For me these qualities are what I seek.

So I just thought: what if I would try, conciously, to act a little bit more "Japanese"? Every time I feel I lack some trait, what, if I would try to act the way I see Japanese acting? It is so precious and well-mannered.
I'm not completely out of my mind. Today I watched quite enough of J-drama, I also talked with at least six or seven Japanese in skype, since my work is pretty much... Talking to Japanese.
After a day of this I start to feel the way I react changes. It does not seem unnatural to me. It is just different.

I think I might as well try this strategy. At least it is a new way to do things. And a new way to look at them. It does not differ much, they are just small details. Small details I find peace in. I was a little bit Japanese for about two hours today. I was in public. I bet, no one noticed.

Maybe after watching and reading and being interested so much in Japanese culture, it is nothing to be surprised about, to feel at least a little bit more Japanese. To find that mentalitet deep in your heart.

When

When you really are in need of something, the surprising amount of right situations just keeps bumping into you.

I once thought, that when the time for spring comes, and we say, that it came, we are only a little bit closer to the spring than we were just before saying that.

That the first time when you think you learned to play the song with a guitar, you are only this much (very small difference) closer to learning than you were before, and if you say to someone "look, what I learned!", you will definitely make the mistake playing that song next time. 

We are usually oriented to the result, but life is usually all about the process. When you start to work as a waitress, you are still not a waitress, you are learning to be a waitress. When you start to work as a teacher, you are not more of a teacher than the person who just started his first business is a businessman.

We are quite dedicated to the titles and positions, so to us it is important to be a waiter or a teacher, but the fact is -  everyday you learn. And when you get better at playing the song, there is still more where to get better. When the snow melts, we say that the spring came. But then, what comes when the flowers start to bloom? The spring was already there, according to us.

Nothing is a title. These actions does not come and go in a second. It is still spring coming when the flowers bloom, it is still spring coming then we get the rain instead of watching the snow. 

question marks

These are beautiful days, that we don't see. Beautiful days when we hurry to work, beautiful days when we cook in the kitchen, beautiful days that we pass by driving the car.
These are beautiful days, that we pass by while worrying, feeling anxious, looking at the mirror. Beautiful days that we are doing our make-up, buying the dress, polishing our nails. These are beautiful people we pass by while working, trying to sleep and bein angry.
Outside of our world, there are all kinds of beautiful people, and places, and things! Outside our world, another world is breathing! How breath-taking it is!
Stop for a minute. What surrounds you? What is the weather like? How do you feel? Who are you?

What surrounds you?

What is inside you?

I really had to borrow the room

One of the funniest things I ever had to do was... to borrow the room. And it happened yesterday.
I actually didn't borrow thee room, cause, in the end, it turned out I didn't need one, but I was putting effort into getting one.
It really sounds cool: "Could you please lend me your room?".
I was doing it in the middle of the day, on Wednesday. There is probably no worse time to do it, actually. Everyone is studying at their faculties or working. So the plan is to ask, then to ask not to be in the borrowed room, then to teleport in some place in Vilnius (to get the key), and then go to the borrowed room. Sounds quite simple, yet, at the same time, I was finding it very difficult to accomplish. Theoretically it is quite simple, yet, I had some time limits, so about three hours to do all that in total. To find someone, not get lost in Vilnius and come to get the key, not get lost in the oart of the city there the room is, too. For me - it is just too much. However, at least it sounds challenging.
The story is quite simple: i work in an online teaching company, and due to some unwarned techincalities the Internet provider failed to provide our district with the Internet. So, the requirements for the room were modest: electricity, Internet connection, light and some silence. So, basically, Internet connection and the roof above your head.
Just like the old times, when to survive you needed the food, water and the roof above your head. So things haven't changed that much, now, have they?
In the end, they fixed the Internet connection at my place. That is kind of troublesome after all what I did to find some Internet, now, is it not? :)
However, the day was stresfully good. It is hard to live your life without any small error for a long time, you definitely get used to it. And after that, if something happens, you feel very kicked out of your way. Yet you remember life is not always just shiny. Things happen in life. Your life goes to direction. It is not static.
And that means you are doing something.

About the cup of coffee

She does not know if she likes coffee. She just cannot decide.
She sometimes drinks it though. She wants coffee until she starts drinking it. Then she usually thinks it is not as tasty as she thought it would be.
But she drinks it and tries to enjoy, tries to visit the cup of coffee with a fabulous odour.
And here she is, finishing her cup of coffee. Not knowing if it was delicious.
Not knowing if it wasn't.

So please

Sometimes she wonders, what is it like to live your life, and when, being very old turn back and ask yourself: did I do what I wanted? Did I live how I wanted to? Had I become the person I wanted to become?
Sometimes she wonders, what is it like to turn back and find your answer, which has only two letters in total.

N    O

What if it happens? There is no way in knowing. Only now counts. To live as you want, to do what you need to do and to become the person you would be proud of. "So please consider now, before it gets past" - she thought.

So charming

While her cat is sleeping on a couch and dreaming a cat dream, so charming(!), she is writing this entry.
She is thinking about that storm, that just came through the window and then went outside again. Like looking in, searching for something, for quite a short time, and deciding it was somewhere else.
Will there be a storm tonight? Will she see the lightning?
What is the storm thinking about?
She wonders.

Don't ask me how

... But it just happened. Here she was trying to find a way how to refresh her hidden English, all the words and structures she enjoyed. All the words and structures that hid while she was being simple and understandable.

And here she was writing this blog.
So, hi there.
I don't know if anyone will read it. I don't know if it needs to be read.
I don't know what she will write here. I have no idea.
But how about we let her?