I have no idea what I am doing

I have no idea what I am doing with my life. Literary. I have so many things I want to do it would take like four full lives to fulfill all of those.

I wanna be a teacher, a musician, a scouts leader (generally working with kids and organizing events, maybe it is better to say "teacher" too), a photographer, a writer, a psychologist... Sometimes I feel I don't make any sort of progress at any of them, sometimes I feel I have progressed a little bit. I can literary never decide if I should quit any of these and simply concentrate on one. I guess by this time I don't even know how it is done. My attention is thrown away at any direction I want. One day I am occupied with music, I write a song and I love it, I wanna play it for ages. Another day I forget about it. I am very passionate about psychology lectures. I have already built some knowledge, basis. I already know some controversial researches, theories, some of the neuro psychology. And then I think - damn, I want to study. Damn, I want to help people. Damn I want to conduct these researches. I want to find how to improve a life of a human being.

Then again I start reading something cool. I get into literature. I write a piece myself, most likely it is poetry. And yet again I am in love with arts.
That is there photography comes. After highschool I've taken a gap year. I had no idea if I even wanted to pursue some sort of degree in any sphere. It seemed unnecessary, especially in my country where it sometimes seems that you can burn your diploma the moment you get it, or you can... literary wipe your ass with it any time you want. I do agree it helps in some sort of situations, but unless you want to be a brain surgeon...

So I've taken my time, I've moved to the capital, I strenghtened my young family (now living with my boyfriend, whom I prefer to simply call my man). I took time working as a waitress and thinking what am I supposed to do in this life. I decided I would study Photography, because why not. It is one of the spheres that started to really interest me at that time. But any time I get some sort of inspiration, I want to be anything from a bartender to Aikido master. I tend to fall in love with things very easily. I tend to find motivation to do things, or to stop doing them, if I can't find the reason, good enough to continue. "Because you have to" is not an argument for me. I want to know why do I do things. What things I do. What do they give to me. What do they give to people around me. What do they give to society.

I've been switching my wishes and activities almost ever since I can remember. Here I am teaching Japanese English. Here I am passionate about psychology. Here I simply wanna take fresh clothes and go isolate myself in nature which is by the way so fascinating that I can only understand small fragments of it.
The most akward thing probably is that I need to know why am I doing every little thing yet I am unable to find reasons for my life as whole and where it directs me.
Sometimes I struggle with it, sometimes I simply take my life blindly, though not for granted.

For me, what is good in this life?
The life itself. I adore it, I am driven by it, I am addicted to it. All these experiences, sitting in a balcony while it is getting dark. Drinking my tea silently and not turning the light on. Witnessing how people move in the streets and in their own lives as well. Some of them get lost completely and I can't reach them anymore. Some of them make progress that fascinates me. And there I sit for a while, then I choose to move on with my life.

Where do I go to? Whom do I go to? I surely know what makes me happy, but oh my God, so many things make me happy! I can't measure what influences me more. Life certainly is at the top, the second best is love. So using these two I somehow manage in life. I live and try / learn to do everything with love. That involves loving every possible creature (I am not very fond of spiders, but whatever, they are not at fault so there I am learning to appreciate everything). I love nature. I learn to love what I do or quit doing it.

But sometimes I struggle so much. It is like taking a way without seeing what awaits in the next step. That usually happens to me even physically. If the light goes away or it gets dark, I am a mess every step I take. I don't feel that space that surrounds me anymore and I start to feel a mess for not being able to understand that there is a path. That path is safe. And it is so much easier to believe that fact, if you are going not alone. If someone goes just before you. If the distance between the two of you is within a reach of a hand.

The truth is even though you find who to go with, your life still is only yours. You are taking paths, you are making choices. And I have no idea what do my choices bring. Sometimes it seems that with these choices I will always sit here, writing this blog entry, and nothing will ever change. When you do millions of things it is almost impossible to witness the progress and at the same time it is of utmost importance to do so. So you would get motivated. So you would know you are not a CD stuck in a player, broken just a little bit but unable to continue to the next song of yours.

So God knows where am I going. I somehow optimistically believe that no one knows what they are doing with their lives. Some people though think they know. But they don't.
And then I feel a little less alone struggling with my choices and fears. I feel a little bit more united. A little bit more determined to climb all the hills, to change the world, to help one person that is near me and that I have the power to help to. Because this is probably what my life is about. Living, loving and sharing.
So I have no idea what I am doing, but I know why I am doing it pretty well.
And I swear I will reach someplace with what I do. Because I want it. Because I strive for it.

In this entry, the word "want" is mentioned 12 times (and 13 including this sentence). I am driven by a desire to reach someplace. Or I don't often use synonyms of "want" (14th time).

And after such a topic I have to mention - if you find any akward words that you are unable to understand in this entry, try adding "m" letter somewhere to them. Because, guys, my keyboard's m letter is not really working these days. Makes writing even more fun. Makes life even more challenging.

I have heard an interview question to the Japanese soccer player Keisuke Honda:
- What is the samurai spirit?
- I don't know because I've never met a samurai.

Well, I would go even further. I would say "I don't know because I've never been a samurai"
No matter what do you think of other people it is always your perceptions of these people and not these people itself. It is both sad and very very interesting.

*

And so you kill

You kill excitement when you also kill risks

Risks to be disappointed

Risks to be overcomed

When you've given up on getting something

and there you get it, a very tiny part of it
only a tiny bit of you feels pleasure

and all the other parts are fed with apathy

fed up with all the things that could have happened

with all the things that you've already experienced

all the things that will really happen

if you let yourself out, if you drop all the chains

if you...

how does it work?
How come you cannot enjoy if you once told yourself not to?

Preventing all the loss and damage you would have had to endure

there you get it

the thing you might have desired most in your life

there you get it

and only silence in your lungs 

you hear some kind of fizz

like coming from the old tv

that does not work anymore

that does not show channels

yet still has electricity

it's like you tumble and fall

finally understanding

that tv is the same

it still works but it doesn't

a fizz comes

it approaches

it's here

cannot show

any channels

there is nothing to show

Life is incredibly beautiful
though our heart scares easily
But all izz well

a declaration of

I am a coffee maniac.
And I smoke.

If you have problems with any of these - well, congratulations, you have problems with me.
Enjoy it.

***

What an awfully interesting experience it is to purely hate and love your life at the same time. You don't even feel being in the centre of a conflict, rather just witnessing it from aside. Smoking your cigarette at incredibly cold and wet weather, somehow in the same balcony reading social psychology book and thinking you kinda need to read Freud and you really disapprove of Freud.
Few weeks ago to think I would smoke would have sounded like a joke. Well, maybe not a bad one. But still a joke.
and yet when someone suggests to smoke because of having nothing else to do, that creeps me out. I guess for me it is more appropriate to sit in facebook because of the lack of activities, but, seriously, not ruining these rituals like that of coffee or that of smoking which becomes very precious for me.

Believe*

I understand people wishing "only good" things for me. But I think it is also beyond important to let the person wish something for himself.
To let him get a deep breath and relax sometimes. To question himself where does he want to go.
We don't even know ourselves, how can we so blindly assume we know other people? The wish so that everything would be okay is the purest out of the purest, the problem is we might not always know what exactly is "really okay" for that person and without noticing it we put a person up to a high pressure.
To pressure a person and to simply believe in a person are highly different tasks. In my case, I believe that believing in person is showing that if anything - he can talk to us or ask for our help or opinion, however, believing in person also is letting him choose and accepting his choices, without thinking if that was the right choice to make. Even if it wasn't, usually marking that choice as false, before a person even made a firm decision is not only unnecessary but also crucial for a person's evaluation of himself and ability to make his own choices or at least the feeling of control that is needed to make decisions.