***

What an awfully interesting experience it is to purely hate and love your life at the same time. You don't even feel being in the centre of a conflict, rather just witnessing it from aside. Smoking your cigarette at incredibly cold and wet weather, somehow in the same balcony reading social psychology book and thinking you kinda need to read Freud and you really disapprove of Freud.
Few weeks ago to think I would smoke would have sounded like a joke. Well, maybe not a bad one. But still a joke.
and yet when someone suggests to smoke because of having nothing else to do, that creeps me out. I guess for me it is more appropriate to sit in facebook because of the lack of activities, but, seriously, not ruining these rituals like that of coffee or that of smoking which becomes very precious for me.

Believe*

I understand people wishing "only good" things for me. But I think it is also beyond important to let the person wish something for himself.
To let him get a deep breath and relax sometimes. To question himself where does he want to go.
We don't even know ourselves, how can we so blindly assume we know other people? The wish so that everything would be okay is the purest out of the purest, the problem is we might not always know what exactly is "really okay" for that person and without noticing it we put a person up to a high pressure.
To pressure a person and to simply believe in a person are highly different tasks. In my case, I believe that believing in person is showing that if anything - he can talk to us or ask for our help or opinion, however, believing in person also is letting him choose and accepting his choices, without thinking if that was the right choice to make. Even if it wasn't, usually marking that choice as false, before a person even made a firm decision is not only unnecessary but also crucial for a person's evaluation of himself and ability to make his own choices or at least the feeling of control that is needed to make decisions.

Shit happens. But for the sake of good things.

Last Easter was the same date as the date we switch from winter to summer time in Lithuania. Therefore I messed up, completely forgot that fact, in advance I had bought train tickets to my hometown. And I came to the train station one hour late however being on time, assuming my watch was showing correct time. Since I already lost quite a lot of money but still had to go back on Easter, I went to bus station and payed a painful amount of money to get the bus ticket. Since I have passion to talk with Japanese people and I saw one here, I started a chat having some time to spare. We chatted for like 15 minutes and I got a job offer which I am still using today, for more than 7 months now and I really enjoy this job of mine.

Recently I had these few cases of very odd relationships that I might call friendships but I am not sure they actually are. These were incredibly exciting and painful on my conscious and uncoscious self however led me to the path of thousand discoveries about myself and relationships.

When I was in the 11th year of school or third year of highschool, I was already for a very long time wishing to study Psychology, but then something happened and I decided that Psychology is way enough for me to just enjoy in everyday's life and as well to study Psychology is not the only way to help human beings. Now that I look back I kinda feel like I've wasted three years since these days I remembered Psychology, and I haven't read anything in three years, and I am like a box of matches, when I opened the first page of "Myers - Social Psychology" I started to burn immediately because of the enjoyment I experienced. So yes, I will probably study Psychology. However, in these three years I also found another passion - Photography - and am seeking for a diploma in that one as well as some job opportunities since I really really enjoy it. So going back three years and switching up my decisions would have led me to the only path and now I know there are many paths and all of them are good.

SHIT HAPPENS. At some moments it really looks like it and I feel frustrated. But then I look back and I see:

Shit happens. But for the sake of good things.

You don't go back

Whatever you do or even don't do in your life

You can't ever get back to where you were before starting. There is no starting point, even if you turn around, the road might look a bit similar yet it is not the same. At some point you find yourself changed. Influenced by whatever you overcame. Is it beneficial or not to you? Who knows, you are the one to decide. You might find yourself smoking or cutting your hair or doing your make up in a different order. You might find yourself having different kinds of thoughts or different relationships. Might find yourself wondering what would be if... but that certainly does not change the situation even one bit.
At some point you start to feel touched by what you experienced. By this unique thing no one else have had.
That is pretty normal.

And

You

Don't

Go

Back

how to destroy a relationship

* find a really fragile and subtle relationship as a target of this exercise
* tell that person how bad you feel
*when he/she asks if you want to talk about it, say yes and do so
* make sure to first ask if it is not a burden and then believe that it is not
*wait till next morning and enjoy the wall of silence

tips to follow:
*make sure you choose a really special, important and subtle relationship
*you probably must be stupid, at least be stupid for this to work out
*after everything go buy some cigarettes

Today I decided that I would try smoking since I am completely aware that I just want to relieve some part of stress this way. Considering it is not healthy and might be addictive, I therefore decided to try it. So I bought my first pack of cigarettes, made some coffee, even found a lighter (I didn't buy the lighter, that was way too mainstream), and then I eagerly went to the balcony, opened the door... Now, wait, tried to open. 'Cause a week back I kinda made it impossible to open sticking a lot of sticky/adhesive tape all over the opening of the door because the wind coming to a room was about immoral. And therefore this made me confused, what do I do now, I live in fifth floor. But then I opened the window, enjoyed my cigarette and when I tried to stub it out, I kinda almost made a fire in my balcony, even though I never actually went to my balcony in the first place.
Every day a new ironic adventure. Coming for me. Fun.

Let the game begin

A small, unlikely and insignificant reunion of two people sharing the same passion of creating something together. Nothing more than that. No need to be excited. Even though there is "never give up", there is also another one: "give it time". Be patient. Don't ruin everything. Here you are creating amazing stuff with the person who once saved your life. That is amazing, and what else can you want? Is it not enough?
Of course it is!
it is not our friendship getting back but rather the idea of creating, the idea so sepparate from our relation to each other, only done together since other ways it will not work out. It is just a project. The outcome of it is yet unknown. Most likely, it will either split us up again, this time for ages, or our friendship might come in handy creating stuff. We will most likely never be what we were to each other and I still don't know if we will ever be able to stop by each other coincidentally meeting at the middle of the street, and suggest to go for some coffee together.
Only time will show, so no need to accelerate time or the split will be early. It is still the same person that two days ago answered she has no idea if we will ever be in each other's life, same person whom we are texting with these two days about something that is a project of ours and nothing more. And enough.
So no need to cry or to hurt or to beg to come back.




Just let the game begin.