Blindly keep going

I was supposed to be married by now and all I am is ill.

At some point I became aware that not only my shoe size is quite unique. I mean, my feet are huge and massive just enough for me to take ages to find the right shoes and I can cry all over the shoes I will never get to wear due to it. It is just so freakin' impossible to put someone in my shoes.

It's hard to notice when you become manic. You can notice it in the middle of everything, if you know this weird thing happens to you at all.

You are just living the dream. It's your time. You feel like you are in control of everything. See, that's the thing. Your mania is in control of you and it replaces your conscious mind imprinting into your brain the belief that you are in control. Honestly, at that time everything is about you, even if you don't notice it. Everything else disappears from the picture, everyone else does. Things that matter to you most of the time do not matter. Things that you would be against at all times when sane, suddenly feel like amazing ideas to try.

After each of the episodes you sit down broken somewhere inside, after fucking up something new in yourself, in your surroundings. It can be your views but it can also be your relationships. And I was supposed to be married by now.

Only this week had I realised some of the mess around me this summer, causing the most painful break up ever, was partly manic. At that time I had no way at all to know it was manic. I swear I believed the first time I became manic was at the very end of the summer, all that partying, staying up late, searching for one night stands which I thought I would never do and which I dislike. I could solemnly swear.

But I opened a random page of my calendar this week and it triggered something inside, making me rethink my year.

April 3. Got engaged.

Awake

your life is phases of narcolepsy
waiting
so patiently waiting
while finally
you'll fall asleep

your life is phases of narcolepsy
during the phases you eat and you sleep, you get laid
during the phases you are about
to jump out of the window
the good plastic window
in twenty-first century

your life is phases of narcolepsy
waiting
so patiently waiting
while finally
you'll fall awake

and to that certain someone who will most likely never read it

You were never even in my fucking life and I miss you so.

I have not known you, I never did. I did not get to at least touch your walls and walls from the other side of it nor find the gates. You were a very strict gatekeeper, you and your purple clouds.

They say you were a bitch and a disaster and I didn't even get to see that or check it out. Just as that - for a moment you were there with me and at another one you were gone, all justifying that you weren't your true self, and maybe weren't you, but I felt your kindness and your calmness all over the places we walked and visited and sat upon.

With me you were nothing what they talked of, you were a melancholic dream come true, giving me nicknames, the one in particular - you called me Alice, as I was all in the colors of that world, all in the phrases and actions of that world you said and for that particular moment I thought that it gave you some pleasure but maybe it bothered you deeply, not that I know, not that I ever get to know that one thing.

Why on Earth cry separating if the only thing I gave you was pure torture. Must it have happened, it was the first time someone ever broke it off with me so clearly. What if, you said, I would tell you, that this is our last meeting? And I asked if it was a theoretical or maybe rethorical question but later on I found it wasn't as you repeated it when I escorted you home at that night, pure night yet not dark, not that it ever gets dark on those dreadful summer nights. Here, you said, it's your favorite bus stop, and not that I would get on any bus possible, if there still were some going. You said your words as if you paid your respects and then you hugged me, and then, of all things, you started crying. It ain't fair, then again hardly anything is. You were leaving me and you were crying.

And I feel angry somehow, though understanding you completely. I might have not known you but you told me the reasons you are leaving me for, excluding me of your life as if I would have been some kind of foreign body, never supposed to enter and thus never to exit, but someone switched the cards and so you had to wipe it off from the table with your very bare and naked hands, your delicate and thin yet somehow long fingers, obviously created for playing music, for touching white and black  keys of piano of all the shades, as many pianos as you can throughout your life. 

I would have done the same, I guess, were you resembling me everything that I had just lost in this very short amount of time, then again, these things are not supposed to be possessed, they simply are and we get to touch them with the skin on our shoulders.

Were you resembling me that everything that you ain't feeling like ever able to touch again, above everything else, I would have suggested we part our ways, but as you were the key of our relationship, so it had to be your hand. 

And yet it bothers me: I am so many things, above the vocalist of a band or the friend of certain people. I am a book reader. I am a wife. I am a scout and I teach children. I am that person who makes very custom tea, that person who above everything else, adores coffee, adores it like you do - that's what I got to know about you at least,

And you've only seen that one thing. And it breaks my heart in ways. It breaks me who never got to know you. It breaks me who never will.

and I miss you so.

for life is what it is

for life is what it is
and nothing more
and nothing less
and maybe nothing all in all
it is that nothing that is filled with fears of things we've never seen
that nothing's
filled with fascination for the very existence
of things under the sky, around the trees and barking dogs
for life is only what it is
and there we fish for our purpose
await impatiently while it gets caught
and our sight's flickin' one another from in rather graceful ways
yet it is somehow us who have to catch it switch it change it and transform it
to meet conditions of our little lives
of our little soldiers
that come and go with times a'changin'
striving to change the oldest of worlds' orders
for life is what it is
it is no clue
it's not a single cloud surpassing surface of the pale blue sky
so faintly blue we mimick in way more vivid shades
locking all subtlety outside our door
outside the buildings that we live-have-sex-and-then-we-die in
outside the notes of our fresh-raw-naked songs
we come and go
we come and go in search for our borders
and hopefully we never see the end
researching how far one can ever go
through deadly gates of boredom
the gates of places where the souls are born
the gates of places where they sweep the floor
                                      and then they rise

for life is only what it is
way more than we could ever hope for
and nothing more
and nothing less

Psycho Pass - a masterpiece and one of its kind

I could have chosen to write this entry in Lithuanian it being my mother tongue. However the first word that comes to my mind is in English. The first word to come is

"masterpiece" 

Recently I have been watching the anime that left me speechless and even having in mind to write the blog entry after that I somehow hesitated - of course, being unsure if anyone at all reads my blog and if it is worth taking my time writing it down. But now that I've suddenly got a chance to rewatch it, it came across my mind once again.

"masterpiece"

The anime was recommended to me by a friend of mine, having stated this is one of his all-times favourites, overcoming the famous Death Note in his list. And I have to say whatever the clichee about Death Note is - being simply popular and sort of "pop anime", it is truly worthy of attention as an original creation -or so to say it is one of the kind.

So I thought it was worth giving a try to Psycho Pass. It actually happened so suddenly and randomly, we were just sitting, well, to tell the truth we were drinking wine and eating cheese, and I was bitching about him not wanting to party and take me to clubs. Anyways, so he was just browsing the net and he came across the news - turns out his favourite anime has got a new take - new edition, making it 40 minutes to every episode. As he started to watch it and suggested I do it as well, I joined him. At that time there were one or two episodes of new edition released so I can't remember if after that we just went straight to the old one or did I wait and start watching it at my own appartment later on. However, it was so worth it.

The anime took me to an alternative reality, suggesting future system of ruling over human beings in society, being able to judge one's intentions, stability, psychological state with electronical devices, if in need - immediately. People would avoid any possible stress, their exams and psychical state would determine what activities and occupations they could choose from to feel simply good or maybe even as if their lives are truly fulfilled. In every society as it is there would be people who had to be kind of left behind, shut down, and these people would be called latent criminals, having only two options allowed - staying in some sort of psychiatry ward hoping their psychological state can be "cleansed" or, if the system of the world would decide they have such capability - they could become enforcers, helping detectives to do their job catching criminals and solving crimes. To them the police would usually leave all the dirty job - catching murderers, figuring out criminals' minds, as it is said that trying to think as a criminal will lead you to the same state as the criminal itself.

In that set of the surroundings, a new inspector is taken into police's service, being young and ambitious to soon meet the reality of a tough job. Growing accustomed to her team and learning things the hard way she solves her inner conflicts, motivating others as well.

Starting with various unconnected crimes the storyline soon dives in switching settings and immediately letting the spectator somehow transform into something more than just a passive watcher. For me - it took me in completely. I grew fond of the characters and their complexity. Being quite the diverse anime covering anything from the futuristic ideas to philosophic quotes, and even getting us deepen our knowledge base on intellectual works (mostly literature ones that actually exist), anime roots in situations that the system deals with or is worthless in, unhealthy obsessions, questioning the true human nature and value of life if there is any at all, living in such a setting.

What this anime provided was an astounding timing switching scenes and stories, combining future and past, sharing experiences, personal short story-lines helping to empathize with the characters. It provided developing plot however not a completely solid one, that could be broken for one reason or another - to alter our feelings or to give some ideas of what happens in human mind. Also and what I utmost appreciated - no unneeded romance, actually almost no romance at all. This anime kept back from becoming silly and retained accenting important matters till the end, without single fail, throughout the whole plot.

What I've especially adored was the idea of the system used. Not only did it not lack originality, it seems to be perfectly possible to develop one like this ourselves in the near future. It is based on logics and technical improvement but also following the leads that humanity is already trying to follow, most likely. It covers the system and it's cost, the failures and wins of it, and carries the concept of justice and judgement at its best.

I think the story did not lose its logics even once. Rewatching I have found like two very very small logical flaws, one of them being a sign typed in the wrong direction according to the traffic. So... I guess you know what I mean. Every 22 minutes would be a feast to both my excitement and knowledge, from time to time asking to develop my own conclusions about the subjects and damn, there were many.
The characters, the sides of good and evil blended in so tightly you would lose your judgement and get confused from time to time. Not showing a simple answer, justifying both sides and making it all... Well, in my opinion, it made all of it to reflect human nature where nothing in itself is simple, good or bad, but rather has arguments to both sides and simply determining which ones are more important drives us to one or another.

I can't unwatch it

It's perfect

Every time I search for a new anime to watch now, after the first five minutes it starts to lack the strategy or the base logics. Having seen a really good creation leaves you striving for more, and the truth is it is not easy to find anything else that would satisfy you. If you enjoy watching everything, your standards might really level up after it. Anyway, the journey this anime took me on is like a once in a lifetime event, changing my way of thinking or at least questioning it a little bit. Learning to appreciate quality. Learning to stop misjudging people and situations. The complexity of human nature this anime was able to show me is close to the one we see every day but don't consider present. 

The ride was perfect. I bow to my friend low and many times. I damn him for the recommendation that now made it so difficult to choose another thing to watch, Psycho Pass being one of its kind. And yet it was truly worth it. It was anything and everything I would expect from a good creation. And at the same time it was nothing I anticipated. 

It cannot be unwatched

It's a masterpiece

"There's a limit to the amount of pleasure a person can obtain. 

But pleasure brought out by intellect is infinite"

- Psycho Pass

"You are not given the right to live if you trust everything you see"

- Black Lagoon

here it comes

It's very easy to trick the one who thinks he can't be tricked. At least twice as difficult it is to trick the one who accepts being tricked as a possibility.